• alyssa conlee

bleeding at the typewriter

Hello, friends.

It has taken me quite some time to work up the courage to write these words.  Not only to write them – but to get over myself and present my imperfection for the world to see.  This, you see, is a great struggle of mine.  I value authenticity and strive for vulnerability, yet I find myself grasping for an unattainable level of perfection.  In this yearning to project a polished image, I fail to be truly authentic with the world outside of my secret sanctuary – my mind.  I find hiding in the safety of my inner world easier and far more comfortable than attempting to articulate my thoughts.

Even when vulnerability is my aim, it is difficult for me to accurately communicate my thoughts with others.  Don’t get me wrong: I thoroughly enjoy sitting down in front of a friend, coffee in hand, and discussing the intricacies of life and the highs and lows that accompany it.  Those sweet times are refreshing to my very soul.  However, I rarely leave a conversation feeling as though I have completely expressed myself.  Translating my thoughts into the English language involves a tedious, effortful process of refinement. (For example, I re-worked the last sentence an upwards of five or six times before I decided it was at least somewhat representative of my true thinking.)  This is why I have decided to write and create a more substantial online presence.  Because I feel as though I am called to live an authentic life yet struggle to verbally communicate, writing is the perfect fulfillment of such a conviction without setting unrealistic expectations of eloquently spoken words. 

In addition to authentically exposing of my inner world, writing allows me to more fully process experiences.  I hope to make a habit of fully processing life the best way I know how – via writing – while still inviting others into this journey. Why invite people in?  I strongly believe in the power of community, for many reasons (that I would love to get into one day).  Welcoming others into my “processing” does not solely mean that people may be reading my words.  Maybe, just maybe, this will spark conversation.  Let it be known from the beginning: I do not expect you to agree with everything I say.  To be completely honest, I have known myself to say things that I myself am unsure of.  I welcome your comments, whether you agree or disagree. (Respectfully.  Please oh please, respectfully.)  Your comments, questions, and challenges not only spark conversation, but also allow me to more thoroughly develop my position on a topic.  This assistance is greatly appreciated!

Finally, I am writing so I may practice and (Lord willing) improve my creative skills all while publicizing my work along the way.  I mentioned before that I strive for perfection.  I know that my writing is far from perfect, but I am choosing to get out of my comfort zone by sharing with you the imperfect products of my efforts, even when I am less than proud of the results.  Sharing this imperfection is terrifying, and this fear reveals my deep-rooted pride and desire to please people.

So, here I am.

Sitting at my modern-day typewriter, bleeding. 

Hoping that the words that flow out onto this digital page increase vulnerability, spark

conversation, and ultimately glorify God, despite my shortcomings.

And if these words have no benefit to anyone else, I’ll just have a fancy e-journal.  Good enough for me.

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